Dear Mom and Dad,
My third day is winding to a close. Apparently you are supposed to…Okay I’m back. Had a class on making bunks. Now when I say a class, what I’m referring to is about 200 people standing in a circle watching a sergeant and two other recruits make a bunk. After which I volunteered to help carry it back into the barracks.
Back to what I was saying…whatever it was is gone now! I don’t know what “apparently one is supposed to do.” I feel kind of like Hawkeye in the Episode where he writes his dad. Oh! I remember! You’re supposed to be able to call home in the first 48 hours to let your family know you arrived safely. 48 hours have come and gone for me but none of the other people here. I still haven’t called but in a way I’m glad. I have made my decision to get out of here and I wanted to make it on my own. I always talk to everyone, get input, analyze…Well now its LIGHTS OUT and I have guard duty at 0300 so bye for now.
Well I’m back now, on guard duty. I’m sitting in the “CQ” for the Barracks. This is basically the office for all the sergeants, drill sergeants and the two main guys over us. So last night one of the guys came up and asked why I thought the Army wasn’t for me when I know how to do everything. I had been helping guys with things throughout the day; just simple things like making sure they didn’t wear hats indoors and did…(I’m back)…wear them outside. We just got TB tested and are now sitting in the chapel. I’m definitely praying more. Mostly, “God, I’m sorry, get me out of this place,” and trying to quote scripture. I don’t remember much.
Anyway, so this guy was asking why I don’t think the Army is for me. Trying to explain to him helped me put it into words. I joined for a handful of reasons; money, training, both brothers had, and an intense respect for those who have served before me. All but one of these was selfish, “what can my country do for me?” The last one was just wrong. I don’t think it was respectful if this isn’t the life for me. The 1st Sergeant gave a small speech last night about how we shouln’t quit out of respect for those who are serving and dying so that other Americans can lead free lives. If people such as Bryan and Jon can fith the military it may be respectful but denying who I am doesn’t seem to be. What I’m getting at is this, Isn’t is more respectful to live the life they gave me the freedom to live than to try to be them? I now know I can respect them without trying to be them.
To be honest, I don’t know what Bryan was talking about me being the one to take what they give in stride and sound out loudly “thank you sir, may I have another!” I would have thought Jon just because he is so stubborn. He’d do it just to spite them. They definitely play the mind game well here. It has definitely been another lesson in humility. I may have been able to make it had I still wanted to be in the Army, at this point I can’t really say. Once I realized this wasn’t for me and I couldn’t bare eight years of Army life, I lost the motivation, the drive tat one absolutely must have to successfully negotiate Basic Training. Once I lost that initiative, I cracked. I cannot stand the, not yelling, but whatever it is. I may be able to handle yelling. The drill instructors here don’t yeall too much. Its colder, harsher. They feel cruel almost disgusted with us at times. One thing that gets to me most is the contradictions they keep spouting and the disregard for manners. Its not a lack of manners from the Drill Sergeants but rather being yelled at for having them. Any time I’ve taken initiative or tried to help with something, if a drill sergeant is near, I get in trouble. Things like, “don’t put that under your seat!” then when I pick it up they say, “put that under your seat!” I tried to hold a door open and was again chastised. Its as if anything I would do in my life or at work with ICS, Blockbuster, Gap, anywhere gets me in trouble here. Try to help, get yelled at. Don’t help and its, “soldier, why aren’t you helping your buddy?” See something that needs done, if I try to do it its always, “soldier, who told you to do that?” If I stop, then they say NOW do it. What was I thinking joining the Army?
Back again, still sitting here in the chapel. Now I’m down in a basement awaiting issuance of uniforms. We were briefed a moment ago on a lot of stuff pertaining to the guard and reserve and our training. I found out I don not have leave after Basic. I would go straight to AIT in Virginia. I cannot wait to get out of here whatever the cost. I keep coming back to one resounding thought. How did I get here? It now seems so terribly obviouse that I am not capable of military life, that I wonder what possessed me to ever thing I was. Just the thought of being stuck in the military and even in this freezing basement my skin is hot and flustered and my stomach is doing enough jumping jacks to make up for any lack on our part. In short, the army makes me sick! LITERALLY.
Well here I am again, still in this basement and now I’ve got all the gear they issue. About four and a half hours we’ve been walking in circles around this place…(Back again)…I keep writing because we keep sitting around and I’ve already memorized everything we are supposed to be studying. So now I am sitting in the security office. Sgt. Santiago calls me out at the medical checks and says grab a “buddy” and starts marching me around. He then pulls out another Taylor, sits my buddy down, tells us we are now buddies and marches us over here to the security office. My mind is racing thinking, because I wanted to quit they were trying to bring charges, like fraudulent enlistment or trying to get out some other way. Then I find out I’m here as his buddy because he can’t go anywhere alone and he has to interview for his Top Secret security clearence. WHEW! Note: buddy refers to battle buddy as in the buddy system. No recruit may go anywhere without a battle buddy. This includes the bathroom. In fact, we aren’t even allowed to talk to our sergeants without a buddy at our side.
Can I just tell you this is the first time I’ve been in an area where I can cross my legs without being yelled at. I’m probably not supposed to but no sergeants are around.
So as far as me getting out of here, I told the 1st Sergeant of our company and he said to come back and see him this afternoon. Last night is when he gave his speech about not quitting; I’m forced to wonder if it ws soley for my benefit. I keep writing, partly because I have time but moreso because I can feel like I’m talking to you and it’s the only thing keeping me from curling up in a corner somewhere. Why on Earth did we ever thing I could do this! I’m a fish out of water, cliché? Yeah. Gasping for air.
A guy just came through about to throw away doughnuts and offered one to me. I didn’t take it but it reminded me of Bryan looking forward to his doughnut at Boot Camp and Jon not having any bad stuff at his which got me thinking about what I eat here. NO, I DON’T WANT TO BE AN ARMHY COOK! We are eating the same as everyone else here. Today there was a Lieutenant Colonel in front of me in line. Guess what he ate. That frozen pizza stuff we used to get at our baseball games! Culinary arts my eye!
I know it wont always be like I’m going through now but I’ve been seeing how regular personnel act and how they carry themselves. Their demeanor. This is so not Timmy Taylor. I know you’re probably disappointed in me. Dad, I know you tried to tell me and I have nothing to say for myself but, I’m sorry. I know the possible consequences of getting out and the record that will follow me. I guess that’s what I get for coming here in spite of so many people saying the Army wasn’t for me. Each time people thought I couldn’t or wouldn’t do it, it made me want to all the more. Again I learn humility. I can’t, I don’t blame you for being disappointed. I’m disappointed in myself, not as much for quitting as for getting all the way to this point before I realized it. I used to think poorly about Andrew for joining then quitting. On the one hand I didn’t join a unit and just quit going to drill, but on the other I didn’t last one day at Boot Camp. I don’t know which is worse.
You know, when I get back I don’t know if I’ll be able to go to church with you. So many people to face and especially the people like Kenny Bright, Richard Dunbar and of course Chase. What will they think of me? Before I left, Brittney told me she was proud of me. I’m going to be very embarrassed. You know how much I hate admitting that I cannot do something.
On top of all this I still know I owe 25k in student loans, several k to you both for all your loans and help and I want to get into a good grad-school. How bad will this record of “failure to cope with Army life” effect my paying for all this and admittance to grad-school? Probably a lot. “I just keep trust---- trusting in Him. He’s a faithful friend.” I real kick in the pants is that Thomas Young said he felt a leading I was supposed to go to grad-school and not the military. Did you or Betty ever have stronger doubts than you let on? Did you expect this or was it a shock to hear I couldn’t handle this. Here I thought I was mentally strong and I came apart like an atom in Hiroshima. So I’m mentally weak as well as physically. I’m a blundle of emotions whos ripping at the seams. I’d have mailed this today but I left stamps I bought at the PX. Scatterbrain.
Did I tell you I wouldn’t have any leave between Boot Camp and Ft. Lee. I couldn’t even spend graduation off Base. Only if your MOS school is longer than 22 weeks do you get leave for the space between. Otherwise, your stuck on base. Jon should get it unless each portion is considered a different school, then he might not. I wish I could be there to go with you but at the same time, I don’t know what I’ll say to he or Bryan. I really don’t know what I’ll say to you if I ever get to call you before my letters get there.
Back again. Its now 1805 hours. Or 6:05 pm to normal people. That means I’ve now been here at Ft. Jackson for about 97 hours. I was supposed to be allowed to use the phones within the first 48. I just talked to the 1st Sergeant again…time lapse…Okay, now it is 1940 hours or 7:40. I remain. I am better. I don’t really know what happened. One minute I was just “dying here” (Jack Nicholson voice) and the next it just lifted. I feel lighter than air now. I…I just can’t explain it. I give God the glory and praise. He just flipped a switch it seems and I went calm. I suppose…what happened was he helped me to see beyond my own plans.
So now its Saturday morning. To continue what I was saying. I am going to stay through it. I realized I don’t have to go to language training if I don’t want to. In fact if I go officer I can cut my enlistment down to six years. Now we are in the chapel for a briefing on Tricare. So if I make it, scratch that, when I make it through boot camp, I will get $10,000 of my student loan repayment and $5,000 of my bonus. I can decide what to do at that point. Even if I don’t go to language school, I will still get about four or five hundred a month and a Montgomery G.I. bill for grad-school. So praise God! I’m adjusting. I guess its kind of like when I was in France. I hated it at first. But the culture shcock subsided and I came out loving it. The doc told me to focus on things like that. To find something like, “I survived Europe alone, I can do this.” And hold onto that. So take heart dear family, tell Jon I’m doing alright.
Hooah,
Timmy
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